Insomia runs rampant. And so do my thoughts.

Between the 19 hours I am taking, the social life I am trying to have, and the sleep I am unsuccessfully trying to get, blogging is just not something I have time to do (although apparently I have time to browse Pinterest until 3am when I should be sleeping. Or studying. But whatever) Anyways, speaking of Pinterest, I found something on there just now that I wanted to share :) It said:

"I know you lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may barely know them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant. You cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts on you. Which is why I am not here to tell you that tomorrow is another day.That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea.What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid, but necessary. Because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise you that it will get better anytime soon, I can tell you that it will. Eventually. For now, all you can do it take your time. Take all the time you need." -Lang Leave

I love that. It has occurred to me recently as I have watched myself, and other people around me, go through hard things, that people really beat themselves up for being sad. They don't let themselves feel it. It's like they don't think it's okay for them to be hurting. It's not okay for them to not be okay. So, they push it away and smile and pretend to not be sad. And it's not just in the context of losing someone, like that quote focused on. But also just in a general sense. Anything that could make you sad or hurt your feelings. There was another quote that I found (also on Pinterest because thats apparently what I do with my life) and it said something along the lines of "I find it much more bearable to be sad when I'm not constantly beating myself for being sad." I couldn't find it again and I dont remember the exact wording or who said it. But it's so very true. It's okay to be sad and to admit to yourself and other people that you're sad. Don't torture yourself by biting your lip and denying it. That always just makes you sadder. Sadness isn't weakness. Anyone can cover up their feelings and pretend to be on top of the world. But showing your vulnerability. That's brave.

Being 20. Grown Up Things.

It turns out that being 20 is a whole lot like being 19. Nothing really changes. Don't look any different. Dont feel any different. No one treats me any different. People still guess that I am about 15 years old, so that might be why people still treat me like a 15 year old. The looks that I get when I tell people that I am a junior in college are priceless. The looks are often followed by asking for proof. So, I show them my driver's lisence so that I can prove that I am indeed 20 years old. I got my ears pierced a few months ago and the woman wasn't going to let me get them done without my mom being there, but when I told her that I was legally old enough to do it on my own she didn't believe me. She checked my ID 4 times. Then, as she jammed needles through my ears, she chatted about how it just blew her mind that I wasn't 15. I dont see it, but I guess one day Ill be happy that people think I am so young. There is a down side to this, though. Guys. 12-17 year old guys LOVE to hit on me. They think I'm their age, so they think that this flirting is actually going to get them somewhere. It's cute. At first. The good guys around my age think I'm too young for them so they never talk to me. The creepy guys around my age also think Im too young, but they're creepy so they don't care. Sometimes I feel like I should wear a tshirt that says, "I'M 20 YEARS OLD." just so that there is no confusion. But that's just a bad idea. So there's that.


Being a junior, on the other hand, is different than being a sophomore. Junior year is NO JOKE. Im trying to find internships and jobs and trying to get published and classes are insane and all my friends are getting married, and things are changing. I've never been good at change. But it's happening and it's happening fast! Im doing my best to handle it gracefully, so we'll see how I do. I am like the QUEEN of being confused and not knowing what to do. There's this beautiful 6 week internship opportunity calling me in Chicago. Sounds like a no brainer, but Im going to be out on my own soon enough so do I want to go off for one of my last summers with my whole family together? It's such a great opportunity though. I don't know if I should take it or pass on it. I love love love being a nanny and I wont be able to do it forever so I also want to do that for as long as I can before I have to be a REAL grown up and get a job. I want to go I want to stay I want to go I want to stay. It makes me tired. All my friends are getting married and engaged and Im over here hopelessly single. Im really okay with being single because God can really work in and through me in this time but sometimes I get a bit restless. I had always thought I'd at least know who I was going to be with by this point. That may be a bit irrational since Im only 20, but a lot of my friends are already there! Im just ready for that part of my future I think. Im not like out looking to marry the next guy who smiles at me, but I am definitely ready to find the right one that God has for me. Maybe God is teaching me patience. I have so many plans and dreams and hopes and some are realistic and some aren't so realistic, but I wouldn't be me if I didnt have at least a FEW insane ideas up my sleeve :) I never know what to tackel first or which ones are best left as a dream I used to have. So basically I know that in the matter of a couple short years Im going to have to buck up and be an adult and that scares me a little. Im excited about it for the most part, there's just so many things I want to do. I don't want to be one of those people who has this big extraordinary bucket list and then they grow up and they get a job and they dont do any of it. Walt Disney himself that that's the real problem with the world. Too many people grow up. I want to be able to grow up, fall in love, get a great job, have a family, and still do all the things I dreamed of doing. Too many people grow up and they stop dreaming. The world wears them down and it loses it's magic. Right now the world is still a very magical place to me and I don't want to ever ever lose that. Mostly, I want to keep that and be able to share it with those around me and eventually teach my kids to see the world that way. It's also possible that I think far far too deeply into everything. THANKFULLY I serve a God who is bigger than any of these worries and has a plan better than any of these opportunities. They may or may not include these opportunitites. If they do, thats wonderful. If not, it's just because He had better ones in mind. But me, being me, I like to know where Im going from here and the next step I should take. So I stress! God is faithful. But Im going to sleep now. I have class at 10 and my professor got a tad irritated last time I fell asleep :)

Life is a funny thing.

Life really is a terribly funny (sometimes not so funny) thing and everyday I grow more and more thankful that the God who created the universe is in control of even the most trivial parts of my life. I am lying here in bed unable to do anything but think about every stupid thing I've ever done. Every wonderful person I ever hurt. Every blessing I didn't take the time to be thankful for. Every day I wasted and every friendship I lost. And it's nights like these that I am unbelievable thankful for my wonderful Jesus. I get stressed out over the tiniest things, but I just have to step back and remeber that God is in control of all of the things that are keeping me up tonight. He has a plan for them. A beautiful plan for all the ugly messes I've made. Praise Him for that. Tonight Im finding it really hard not to beat myself up for stupid mistakes I made years ago. I find myself wishing I had held on tighter to and appreciated some people who were good to me and let go of some people who weren't. I find myself wishing I had done a lot of things differently. I'm wondering how differently my life might have gone thus far had I done those things differently. Where would I be? Who would be in my life? Would I be the person I've grown into the past few years? There's literally like a zillion questions bouncing around in my brain right now. I have to remember, though, that what's done is done and no matter how badly I want to go back and change things, I cant. God has done amazing things in me and through me the past few years. Had anything been different, that may not have happened. I may not be who I am and I may not have been able to touch some of the lives that I've touched. It's easy to forget that the things that have happened had a purpose and my life went the way it did for a reason. Not all of it has been fun. A lot of it has been pretty amazing. But both the good and the bad were all part of a bigger story that God has been writing for me. I have to believe in that and I can't let nights like tonight get me so carried away in regrets that I forget about the great things that God has done in my life. Thankful for His unconditional love. Heaven's knows I've not done anyhting to warrant a love like that, but it's a gift. He loves us even when we aren't loving Him and that is something that I just can't fully understand. So, when I look back on the past 20 years of my life, I can either choose to see the trail of messes and mistakes I left or I can choose to see the masterpiece that God has created using all the good and bad parts of the past 20 years. I will choose to see how He has taken it all and woven it into something that I can be proud of. Not, by any means, because of anything I have done, but because of what He did for me despite the things I did. Im learning to accept the things I can't change and trusting the Lord to help me do something about the things I can change. Im so done trying to do things on my own. I am pretty positive trying to take care of myself was how I got myself into all these messes in the first place. I am aware more than ever how badly I need Jesus and how apart from Him, things fall apart. Thankful that no matter how many times you've walked away, He always takes you back into His arms, no questions asked.  This is also one of those nights where my brain is in a zillion places, so I hope this all flowed together ok and makes sense :)

Nanny in New York

If you know me, you probably also know how much of a dreamer I am. You've heard all my crazy plans and watched me chase a lot of crazy dreams just to move on to another crazy dream. I had a bit of a wake up call recently what I realized that I am almost 20 years old and no closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up than I was when I was 4. And when I was 4 I wanted to be a professional princess. (Ok, so I still think if possible ways for me to become an actual princess, but that's beside the point.) I realized that I can chase dream after dream after dream, but if I dont find one that I love enough to finish and one that sticks (and pays the bills) then Im going to have some problems. SO. I have this new plan. One that may still be a little crazy, but hey, would you ever expect anything less from me?! :) You can probably figure out what this new plan is from my fun little title. Yes, I want to move to NYC and be a nanny. Im possibly graduating in the spring and I've always wanted to live in NYC for a year or so. What better way than to find a live in nanny job! It gives me a job and a place to live and keeps me from being completely alone in a giant city I've never been to before.  I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I've always been fascinated with New York. I've lived in the itty bitty town of Montevallo for as long as I can remember. The largest city Ive navigated on my own is downtown Birmingham and that hardly counts. The prospect of living on my own in this gigantic place I've neer been to has me speechlessly excited. I still have a year of school (possibly 2) and then I have to apply to jobs and get hired. There are still a lot of ifs and fuzzy places and Im not sure where the life plan goes from there, but thats ok! I apologize in advance if all I ever talk about between now and when I actually move is New York, but if you only knew how excited I am, you might understand. This is a rather new development in the life of me, but it's now what I want and what I am working for. If the plan changes, then it changes, but Im really hoping this one sticks :) Either way, itll be fun to look back a year from now and see what the plan actually turns out to be!

xoxo

Happiness isn't a Destination.

My brain is incredibly scattered and that means that this post will more than likely be a bit scattered as well. Hang with me. I've been thinking a lot about happiness and unhappiness and where (besides Jesus, obviously) happiness comes from and how to deal with times of unhappiness and what not. There is this part of an episode of One Tree Hill where they talk about happiness as being an emotion rather than a destination or a thing that can be obtained. Clearly, OTH isn't exactly what I should be basing my thoughs about life on, but it made a good point. Life is hard. That is inevitable and I feel like a lot of people "just want to be happy." They want a certain car or a certain job or to live in a certain place or to be with a certain person. In most cases, people think that happiness is ALL of these things combined. If they just had this pretty picture of a life that they've imagined, then they would just be happy. NEWSFLASH. That isn't how life works. Happiness is an emotion and a fleeting one at that. Life has ups and downs and even when it seems like we have all the things we could possibly want, there will still be times when things are just plain hard and happiness is nowhere to be found.  I think it helps to think about happiness that way. It helps thinking of it as something that can't really be obtained. You can have happiness. TONS of it even, but there is no way (earthly way, that is) to ensure constant happiness. There is nothing of this world that can satisfy us enough to where we are content. If we run around the world looking for things to make us happy, the world will always let us down. You might be happy for a while, but you're eventually going to run back into some unhappiness somewhere along the way. God never promises that we won't go through hard times, he just promises to be with us every step of the way. He'd never throw something at us that we couldn't handle. I have found that when things seem too hard for me, it's usually because I have the mindset that I can do it alone. Without God. The reality is that I can't do anything without Him.  He is the center of all happiness and the only thing that will never let me down. The only thing that will satisfy me fully.  The only sure thing to lean on during the times of unhappiness so that you can get through to the happy.

So there's one topic.

I just cant handle people who won't deal with stuff. People who just straight up give up when they don't know what to say or how to get through something or they just don't want to face whatever it is that they need to handle. I. Cant. Stand. It. And here are a few reasons why.

1) It's selfish
2) It hurts you and the others involved
3) It fixes absolutely NOTHING

Don't run away when things get difficult. Face it and deal with things before they get worse than they have to be. I've seen this happen over and over and over again.  Life gets tough (unhappiness) and instead of just fixing it and dealing with it then and there, people put it off and ignore it and make excuses and it spirals until it's some huge ordeal that wasn't there in the first place. And that's really annoying for everyone involved.

Rant over.

One more.

Sometimes I get restless. It happens. I want to get away and have an adventure. I want to get out of my hometown and go get lost somewhere I've never been. But I can't let these desires to get away distract me from what God has for me here. I can't get so focused on getting out and leaving that I miss out on the opportunities to share the gospel or to help someone. I am where I am for a purpose. God has me here for a reason and I need to be focused on finding that purpose and fulfilling it.  If God's plan takes me elseswhere, then I will go. But for right now, my home is in Montevallo, Alabama and there is a reason for that. Not saying that there is something wrong with getting away and having an adventure, but I never want to get so set on leaving that I miss out on what the Lord might use me to do here.

Ok, Im finished :)
xoxoxo

Quotes.

I love quotes that explain my feelings better than I can, quotes that make me think a little differently, quotes that make me sad or make me see that other people have the same hurts, quotes that inspire me, comfort me, or just plain make me smile. Here are some of them. :)

1. I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious. -Albert Einstein

2. I dont love studying. I hate studying. I love learning. Learning is beautiful. -Natalie Portman

3. Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care anymore, but because they don't.

4. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

5. Be curious, not judgmental.

6. My pain may be the reason for someone's laugh, but my laugh must never be the reason for someone's pain. -Charlie Chaplin

7. At any given moment, we have the power to say that this is not how the story is going to end.

8. In the midst of winter, I found that there was, within me, and invincible summer.

9. When I saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew.

10. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for.

11. Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be.

12. Be soft. Don't let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

13. If you are having to say goodbye, life will always bring you a new hello.

14. Let your faith be bigger that your fear.

15. Decide what to be and go be it.

16. I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you. -John 14:18

I'm not my own.

If I had to tell you one lesson that I've learned recently that seemed to stand out, it would have to be that my life is not my own. I've seen it in my own life and I've seen it in the lives of the people around me. we can't just do what we please without taking into account the people our actions might effect. Maybe laughing at the girl who is different than you is fun, but chances are it's only fun for you. Maybe you thought the kind words you said to the cashier today were meaningless, but maybe they saved her life. I'm sure you weren't trying to be a bad example when you mouthed off to the man who accidentally cut you off at the grocery store, but that little boy saw the whole thing. These are all just silly examples I pulled out of thin air, but I've seen each one of these happen. It isn't that this is a new concept to me, but I've never really realized how much I can effect people that I dont even know are watching me. People I'll never see again. I have no way of knowing what these people are facing and I have no idea how my actions might effect them. Good or bad. Maybe I've been hit with this realization because I have had a lot of careless people in my life who acted how they pleased without stopping to even notice that I was getting hurt as a result of their carelessness or maybe because I have had to make some important decisions lately that have called for me to account for the effects it will have on those in my immediate circle. Maybe it's just this growing up thing again. Common courtesy doesn't seem to be such a common thing anymore and maybe this is another reason I've been seeing this so much lately. People just dont seem to care about other people. They care about themselves and the needs of everyone around them comes second. People don't seem to think that what they do, what they say, how they say it, how they treat others, etc. matters to anyone but them. The selfishness of people astounds me. I'm not claiming to be blameless here. I'm stubborn and I can be selfish and I know I'm not always a glittery ray of sunshine like some people seem to think, but I try to account for the feelings of the people around me in my every day life. I've found that consideration for strangers is becoming harder and harder to find. I don't have some great profound thoughts on this, it's just been on my mind and I felt the need to ramble. I think it's really important, especailly as Christians, that we are demonstrating Christ's love and kindness and grace during the most seemingly mundane parts of our lives. We need to be the ones setting the example for unbelievers. We are the body of Christ, but we can't just claim this and not live it out. When people look at us and interact with us, they need to see something different. It needs to be evident in our everyday living that there is something different about us. When they see us they should see Jesus.

"We stand for those who can not stand for themselves and we love the loveless and we go where Your lights not shining. We are the body of Christ."