Sunday, July 22, 2012

Life is a funny thing.

Life really is a terribly funny (sometimes not so funny) thing and everyday I grow more and more thankful that the God who created the universe is in control of even the most trivial parts of my life. I am lying here in bed unable to do anything but think about every stupid thing I've ever done. Every wonderful person I ever hurt. Every blessing I didn't take the time to be thankful for. Every day I wasted and every friendship I lost. And it's nights like these that I am unbelievable thankful for my wonderful Jesus. I get stressed out over the tiniest things, but I just have to step back and remeber that God is in control of all of the things that are keeping me up tonight. He has a plan for them. A beautiful plan for all the ugly messes I've made. Praise Him for that. Tonight Im finding it really hard not to beat myself up for stupid mistakes I made years ago. I find myself wishing I had held on tighter to and appreciated some people who were good to me and let go of some people who weren't. I find myself wishing I had done a lot of things differently. I'm wondering how differently my life might have gone thus far had I done those things differently. Where would I be? Who would be in my life? Would I be the person I've grown into the past few years? There's literally like a zillion questions bouncing around in my brain right now. I have to remember, though, that what's done is done and no matter how badly I want to go back and change things, I cant. God has done amazing things in me and through me the past few years. Had anything been different, that may not have happened. I may not be who I am and I may not have been able to touch some of the lives that I've touched. It's easy to forget that the things that have happened had a purpose and my life went the way it did for a reason. Not all of it has been fun. A lot of it has been pretty amazing. But both the good and the bad were all part of a bigger story that God has been writing for me. I have to believe in that and I can't let nights like tonight get me so carried away in regrets that I forget about the great things that God has done in my life. Thankful for His unconditional love. Heaven's knows I've not done anyhting to warrant a love like that, but it's a gift. He loves us even when we aren't loving Him and that is something that I just can't fully understand. So, when I look back on the past 20 years of my life, I can either choose to see the trail of messes and mistakes I left or I can choose to see the masterpiece that God has created using all the good and bad parts of the past 20 years. I will choose to see how He has taken it all and woven it into something that I can be proud of. Not, by any means, because of anything I have done, but because of what He did for me despite the things I did. Im learning to accept the things I can't change and trusting the Lord to help me do something about the things I can change. Im so done trying to do things on my own. I am pretty positive trying to take care of myself was how I got myself into all these messes in the first place. I am aware more than ever how badly I need Jesus and how apart from Him, things fall apart. Thankful that no matter how many times you've walked away, He always takes you back into His arms, no questions asked.  This is also one of those nights where my brain is in a zillion places, so I hope this all flowed together ok and makes sense :)