Ah summer. Ti's the season of me promising myself to keep up with this blog. If you're one of the 7 people who probably actually read this, you probably aren't getting your hopes up right now. Ha! Worst. Blogger. Ever. But hey, I'm in college and school keeps me busy and when I'm not studying (which is like....never) I'm sleeping. But it's summer now and I'll have lots of free time to write about things you may or may not care about reading :) For those who enjoy learning about what is going on in my life, here it is!
I have no idea what I want to do with my life which is why I currently have a general studies major. My school allowed me to believe that I had at least two years to decide my major, BUT that was a big fat lie. I decided on elementary education, but, much to my dismay, upon my meeting with my advisor, I was told that I would be in school for at least 3 more years. And that was only if I took full loads EVERY summer between now and then. If you know me at all you know that this did not settle well with me. So, I called my mom and cried a lot. Deciding on your future is stressful. High stress situations result in tears if you're me. Anyways, I talked to my parents about it and told them some of the things I was thinking I'd like to do and they both agreed that I would do well with a Gen. Ed. degree. Here is the list of careers in my idea bank. Many of you will be surprised when being an actress is NOT on that list. .....Mrs. Flickinger, you win ;) hahaha just kidding of course. Love you lady!
1) Non-profit organization that helps with the rescue and recovery of girls caught in human trafficking.
I am almost an expert on this topic. It has consumed my heart and my mind and I ache for these girls daily. Girls JUST like me. I need to help them.
2) My sister and I have been talking about opening up a cute little gift shop. Not to brag, but we are both really crafty and pretty creative so we figured we'd sell a lot of handmade stuff and things like that. It would take a lot for this to happen, but I think it would be wonderful! And who better to have a business with than my very best friend?
3) Wedding planner. I am in love with all things wedding. I love the lace and the twinkly lights and the cake and the lists and the craziness and it is just something I would really love to do. I wouldn't even know where to begin, but I'm sure I could find someone to help me :)
Those are my top 3. Take note that music and acting are NOT on the list. That is because they are no longer in my top 3. I cant really explain to you what happened, but something changed inside. Very fast and without me even knowing it until it hit me like a ton of brick one day and results, yet again, in me calling my mom in tears. My poor mom. But, I think it's called growing up. It's a dream and it was fun to chase it, but it was happening for me. I was slowly starting to get everything I had ever wanted and I guess it was becoming very real and forcing me to realize a lot of things. I HATE goodbyes. Hate. Sometimes they are good for you and sometimes they are necessary, but I hate them. My life was slowly but surely becoming a long string of goodbyes. Most of them were more like "see you laters" but after a conversation I had with the director who was molding me to be thrown out into show business, I realized that it was only going to get worse and turn into long, more permanent goodbyes. I guess that is when it changed for me. I booked a photo shoot and I was making all these trips to Atlanta to work with all of these amazing and talented professionals. I had a style team. I was already being told how to dress and what to do with my hair and I wasn't allowed to drink soda and I had to dye my hair brown and I had to do this and I had to do that. And at first, it was great, but then I started missing out on stuff. Going to my photo shoot was going to cause me to miss out on something else. For some people, I guess these sacrifices are worth it, but they just made me heartsick. I want a family very badly and I have since I was a little girl. Even then , being a rock star and being a mom were conflicting dreams. I can't have that if I'm flying around all the time to auditions or whatever. I want to be there for my family every single day and I dont want to miss out on the little everyday things that I wouldn't get to be a part of if I had to have a nanny to raise my kids because I was off pursuing this dream I decided to chase when I was 17. When I was younger, I thought I could have both. The difference is when I was little, I wasn't already living the life of hotel rooms and "sorry I cant be there I have to work." I had begun to live that life and it was happening quick. I was eventually going to start not only driving to Atlanta for the weekends, but flying to LA for auditions and then what if I get the role? Then I leave for good. Then what if I'm successful and I'm all over the place and I never see my family and I'm 35 and single and I haven't seen my family in 6 years and stuff. I know that may be a bit exaggerated, but it gets the point across. My director had much faith in me and in the successfulness of my career. An aspiring actress should be THRILLED to hear a former actor and now successful director thinks you're going places, but mostly I was just terrified. I was so sure that God wanted me pursuing this. I believed it, my family believed it. But if it's truly where God wanted me, it shouldn't make me so ill. I believe that is should scare me, but it shouldn't feel the way all of that was making me feel. The glamor had worn off and it wasn't fun anymore. It was work. A lot of work. It was a lot of being told who to be and how to be that person and how to impress the agents and how to look the way I needed to look so that I would get booked. It was a lot of being told to be okay with being talked down to. It was a lot of being told to be okay with the prospect of being 60 and having not had a stable home in 35 years because of the constant moving around. (those were actual words from someone who was coaching me) All in all, now that I've lived, at least in part, the life that I thought I wanted, I don't want it. That is okay for some people and God uses those people, but I just don't believe anymore that I'm one of them. And for once, I can finally and truthfully say that I'm okay with that. My life is not my own and God is going to use me where He wants to use me and ultimately, it isn't up to me. His plans are perfect and I have to trust that. So for those of you who don't know how important acting has always been to me, I basically just gave up my life and I feel good about that but it was also a hard thing to do and a hard decision to make. To give up on this thing you've stayed up thinking about since you were 3. But I feel really good about it and I've realized recently just how much my life is not my own. I thought I was giving all of this stuff up so I could throw myself into my acting career, but as it turns out, God had other plans. I gave up a lot of things to clear my schedule and save money, but all the free time went to being with my family when they have needed me more than ever and pouring into people I never would have been able to otherwise. I thought I was doing this one thing to fulfill my own dreams, but it ended up allowing God to use my life for the good of those around me. And I was blessed in all of it as well. God works in mysterious way and He surprises you and interrupts your plans, but that is only because He has a beautiful story written for you. Sometimes it's just not the story you were expecting. So pray for me! Pray that I'll find my direction and find where I'm supposed to be.
I have been given the amazing opportunity to be a part of the leadership team for my campus ministry, Ecclesia. I am one of the four Freshman girls Bible study leaders. I am SO excited to pour into these girl's lives. I haven't met them yet and they already hold such a special place in my heart. I wouldn't have made it had it not been for the amazing girls in my small group. Bailey, MY Bible study leader was such an amazing encourager and role model and sister and I have some big shoes to fill :) I have an amazing co-leader though, Mechay. I look up to that girl so much and I'm excited to lead with her. I just know that my girls are going to challenge me and that through leading them, I'm going to grow a lot as well. I'm spending the summer, along with the other new leaders, preparing ourselves and out hears and minds to be the best possible leaders we can be. I don't take this leadership role lightly, because I know from personal experience how much of a difference someone in my position can make in the life of a young girl. It's a huge responsibility, but I have an amazing team supporting me and amazing co-leaders to team up with. And I have the girls. They help you lead, or so I have been told, soooooo I am banking on that promise :) I'm a little bit nervous because I do feel the weight of my role on this leadership team, but I'm not worried. It's going to be an amazing experience and I'm so thankful for it!
I might be graduating in the Spring. O_o ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's not a for sure thing, but it's a maybe. I really insane, scary maybe.
If you spent the last 10 minutes of your life reading this entire thing, I thank you. I am sure you had better things to do. I'm working at camp again, so if you read my A Day in the Life of a Camp Counselor blog last summer, stay tuned :)