Summer.

Ah summer. Ti's the season of me promising myself to keep up with this blog. If you're one of the 7 people who probably actually read this, you probably aren't getting your hopes up right now. Ha! Worst. Blogger. Ever. But hey, I'm in college and school keeps me busy and when I'm not studying (which is like....never) I'm sleeping. But it's summer now and I'll have lots of free time to write about things you may or may not care about reading :) For those who enjoy learning about what is going on in my life, here it is!

I have no idea what I want to do with my life which is why I currently have a general studies major. My school allowed me to believe that I had at least two years to decide my major, BUT that was a big fat lie. I decided on elementary education, but, much to my dismay, upon my meeting with my advisor, I was told that I would be in school for at least 3 more years. And that was only if I took full loads EVERY summer between now and then. If you know me at all you know that this did not settle well with me. So, I called my mom and cried a lot. Deciding on your future is stressful. High stress situations result in tears if you're me. Anyways, I talked to my parents about it and told them some of the things I was thinking I'd like to do and they both agreed that I would do well with a Gen. Ed. degree. Here is the list of careers in my idea bank. Many of you will be surprised when being an actress is NOT on that list. .....Mrs. Flickinger, you win ;) hahaha just kidding of course. Love you lady!

1) Non-profit organization that helps with the rescue and recovery of girls caught in human trafficking.
I am almost an expert on this topic. It has consumed my heart and my mind and I ache for these girls daily. Girls JUST like me. I need to help them.

2) My sister and I have been talking about opening up a cute little gift shop. Not to brag, but we are both really crafty and pretty creative so we figured we'd sell a lot of handmade stuff and things like that. It would take a lot for this to happen, but I think it would be wonderful! And who better to have a business with than my very best friend?

3) Wedding planner. I am in love with all things wedding. I love the lace and the twinkly lights and the cake and the lists and the craziness and it is just something I would really love to do. I wouldn't even know where to begin, but I'm sure I could find someone to help me :)

Those are my top 3. Take note that music and acting are NOT on the list. That is because they are no longer in my top 3. I cant really explain to you what happened, but something changed inside. Very fast and without me even knowing it until it hit me like a ton of brick one day and results, yet again, in me calling my mom in tears. My poor mom. But, I think it's called growing up. It's a dream and it was fun to chase it, but it was happening for me. I was slowly starting to get everything I had ever wanted and I guess it was becoming very real and forcing me to realize a lot of things. I HATE goodbyes. Hate. Sometimes they are good for you and sometimes they are necessary, but I hate them. My life was slowly but surely becoming a long string of goodbyes. Most of them were more like "see you laters" but after a conversation I had with the director who was molding me to be thrown out into show business, I realized that it was only going to get worse and turn into long, more permanent goodbyes.  I guess that is when it changed for me. I booked a photo shoot and I was making all these trips to Atlanta to work with all of these amazing and talented professionals. I had a style team. I was already being told how to dress and what to do with my hair and I wasn't allowed to drink soda and I had to dye my hair brown and I had to do this and I had to do that. And at first, it was great, but then I started missing out on stuff. Going to my photo shoot was going to cause me to miss out on something else. For some people, I guess these sacrifices are worth it, but they just made me heartsick.  I want a family very badly and I have since I was a little girl. Even then , being a rock star and being a mom were conflicting dreams. I can't have that if I'm flying around all the time to auditions or whatever. I want to be there for my family every single day and I dont want to miss out on the little everyday things that I wouldn't get to be a part of if I had to have a nanny to raise my kids because I was off pursuing this dream I decided to chase when I was 17. When I was younger, I thought I could have both.  The difference is when I was little, I wasn't already living the life of hotel rooms and "sorry I cant be there I have to work." I had begun to live that life and it was happening quick. I was eventually going to start not only driving to Atlanta for the weekends, but flying to LA for auditions and then what if I get the role? Then I leave for good. Then what if I'm successful and I'm all over the place and I never see my family and I'm 35 and single and I haven't seen my family in 6 years and stuff. I know that may be a bit exaggerated, but it gets the point across. My director had much faith in me and in the successfulness of my career. An aspiring actress should be THRILLED to hear a former actor and now successful director thinks you're going places, but mostly I was just terrified. I was so sure that God wanted me pursuing this. I believed it, my family believed it. But if it's truly where God wanted me, it shouldn't make me so ill. I believe that is should scare me, but it shouldn't feel the way all of that was making me feel. The glamor had worn off and it wasn't fun anymore. It was work. A lot of work. It was a lot of being told who to be and how to be that person and how to impress the agents and how to look the way I needed to look so that I would get booked. It was a lot of being told to be okay with being talked down to. It was a lot of being told to be okay with the prospect of being 60 and having not had a stable home in 35 years because of the constant moving around. (those were actual words from someone who was coaching me) All in all, now that I've lived, at least in part, the life that I thought I wanted, I don't want it. That is okay for some people and God uses those people, but I just don't believe anymore that I'm one of them. And for once, I can finally and truthfully say that I'm okay with that. My life is not my own and God is going to use me where He wants to use me and ultimately, it isn't up to me. His plans are perfect and I have to trust that. So for those of you who don't know how important acting has always been to me, I basically just gave up my life and I feel good about that but it was also a hard thing to do and a hard decision to make.  To give up on this thing you've stayed up thinking about since you were 3. But I feel really good about it and I've realized recently just how much my life is not my own. I thought I was giving all of this stuff up so I could throw myself into my acting career, but as it turns out, God had other plans. I gave up a lot of things to clear my schedule and save money, but all the free time went to being with my family when they have needed me more than ever and pouring into people I never would have been able to otherwise. I thought I was doing this one thing to fulfill my own dreams, but it ended up allowing God to use my life for the good of those around me. And I was blessed in all of it as well.  God works in mysterious way and He surprises you and interrupts your plans, but that is only because He has a beautiful story written for you. Sometimes it's just not the story you were expecting. So pray for me! Pray that I'll find my direction and find where I'm supposed to be.

I have been given the amazing opportunity to be a part of the leadership team for my campus ministry, Ecclesia.  I am one of the four Freshman girls Bible study leaders. I am SO excited  to pour into these girl's lives. I haven't met them yet and they already hold such a special place in my heart. I wouldn't have made it had it not been for the amazing girls in my small group. Bailey, MY Bible study leader was such an amazing encourager and role model and sister and I have some big shoes to fill :) I have an amazing co-leader though, Mechay. I look up to that girl so much and I'm excited to lead with her. I just know that my girls are going to challenge me and that through leading them, I'm going to grow a lot as well. I'm spending the summer, along with the other new leaders, preparing ourselves and out hears and minds to be the best possible leaders we can be. I don't take this leadership role lightly, because I know from personal experience how much of a difference someone in my position can make in the life of a young girl. It's a huge responsibility, but I have an amazing team supporting me and amazing co-leaders to team up with. And I have the girls. They help you lead, or so I have been told, soooooo I am banking on that promise :) I'm a little bit nervous because I do feel the weight of my role on this leadership team, but I'm not worried. It's going to be an amazing experience and I'm so thankful for it!

I might be graduating in the Spring. O_o ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's not a for sure thing, but it's a maybe. I really insane, scary maybe.

If you spent the last 10 minutes of your life reading this entire thing, I thank you. I am sure you had better things to do. I'm working at camp again, so if you read my A Day in the Life of a Camp Counselor blog last summer, stay tuned :)

xoxo

Selfish.

I went about most of my day today in a really weird state of mind. I was really hyper and goofing around with my sisters all day and had a really fun day, but if you were to look inside my head, you would have seen a totally different person! I said way too many "why me's" and "whats if's". I felt sorry for myself and wondered why I've had to go through and deal with some of the things I have. Granted, some of them were really hard things to go through and hurt to think about even now, but as I was sitting at dinner tonight with my amazing family, I realized how selfish I was being all day! There I was feeling so sorry for myself because things didn't go my way again. Lets think about this. Im sitting in a nice restaraunt. With my entire family. Eating a nice dinner. Wearing a new warm coat. Updating my Facebook status from my iPhone. Talking about some of my college classes. I then left and got into my car. Went home to my warm house full of Christmas decorations and "stuff". Now Im sitting here on my laptop watching a movie on my plasma screen tv. I had ALL of that going my way today and I was feeling sorry for myself. Those are all very superficial things, but they are things that I have been blessed with nonetheless and clearly I take them for granted. Aside from the material things , there are people who have lost and gone through so much more than I could ever imagine and Christmas seems to make all those hurts hurt worse. People are spending Christmas missing loved ones. People are spending Christmas alone. Someone will spend their Christmas in a hospital. Someone will spend their Christmas overseas. Someone will spend their Christmas out in the cold. But me? I'll be spending Christmas at home with all of the people that I love. Rough life, huh? After taking a step back and thinking outside my own head for a minute, I realized REALLY quick that there is just no way to justify the attitude I've had all day. So yes, things didnt go my way again. I feel let down and disappointed, but the things I'm feeling bad about become obsolete when I think about it in the big picture. Besides, I know this simply means this isn't where God wanted me. That wasn't what I was supposed to be doing and that's not the road I was supposed to be headed down. Maybe I learned that the semi hard way, but I learned. And any hurts will be healed and I'll be thankful for this farther on down the road. His ways are higher.

Getting so close to Passion 2012!! Can. Not. Wait. I'm so ready for it! I need it Lord, teach me!

On a lighter note, I'm watching Jurassic Park and wondering how on earth I ever watched this as a child. There are videos of the 2 year old me telling the camera that Jurassic Park was my favorite movie. This movie is intense for a baby!!

Ramblings.

I haven't posted in this blog for almost exactly a year. That. Is. Crazy. Every year seems to go by that much quicker. This fact makes me less than happy! So much has happened in this year. I feel like I said that very thing this time LAST year. I guess that just goes to show that no matter how much you think you know, a year later you'll look back and realize you really didn't know anything at all. I'm sure a year from now I'll be saying the exact same thing.

SO, lessons I've learned this year.

1) Take the time to stop, no matter what is going on in your life, and be thankful. Think about that pencil you're holding. It's something small that we never stop to thank the Lord for, but some people would feel rich if they were holding that pencil. Be thankful for class. That's the hardest thing for me to be thankful for.

2) Talk to someone much older than you. Take their advice and soak up their wisdom. You'll be so glad you did.

3) Be nice to people. You never know what someone might be dealing with. I was having a really bad day and a random girl that was ringing me up at the grocery store was SO sweet to me. It made my day. On the other hand, I was having a bad day and someone was really mean to me. I cried all the way home. You could make or break a persons day.

4) Be creative. Paint or learn to knit. Look up craft ideas online and make something.

5) Take time for yourself. It's okay to not do everything for everyone all the time. People will understand.

6) Stand up for yourself. Say what you feel. Don't keep things in. Don't take things you don't deserve. You'll drown in your own emotion if you live life that way. Defend yourself and do it with love.

7) Spend the day with a child. You'll be surprised how much wisdom their little words can hold.

8) Trust in the Lord's timing. "He has made EVERYTHING beautiful in it's time." -Ecclesia 3:11

His plan is perfect. I thought I had learned this lesson last year, but I have recently realized how much I need to trust more in His timing and less in where I think I should be.

9) Love everyone. Give your heart to the people who deserve it.

10) Don't lose faith in love. It's beautiful. Don't lose faith in people. Love them instead. Don't lose faith in yourself. You're stronger than you think!

Im making a resolution to actually keep up with this blog. More for myself. I like to go back remind myself of things. BUT, if any of you actually take time out of your day to read my ramblings, that's cool too :)

I moved back home. That's a longer story for another post, but long story short, I have opportunities and I am going to take them! I'm very excited about the possibilities :) It invloves movies and that notebook of songs I've written. Yeeeeeeah!

Right now I'm just thankful for Christmas break and thankful for all the sparkly decorations that surround me everyday during the holiday season. It's like magic. Spending time with people I love and reconnecting with people I've missed. Love.

If you spent your valuable time reading all of this, I thank you :) You've helped make this blog a little less pointless!

I am in love with the year 2011 thus far. :) School has been insanely busy and I've gotten sick a million times and have been literally drowning in makeup work, but life is just so much happier these days. Letting go of things from your past and things that weigh you down..things that happened and you cant change therefore aren't worth your time...feels amazingly wonderful. Looking ahead with a positive attitude and an open mind seems to make the sun shine a little bit brighter.

I was recently formally pledged to Phi Mu! I am loving it so much. I've met so many great girls and made so many new friends the past few weeks. I'm so excited about it and can't wait until things really get going and I'm more involved. I get iniciated in April and then I'll be an active member. Right now Im a provisional member and technically called a Phi. I get my Mu when I get iniciated :) I have a Big, but I don't know who she is yet. I get to find out in about 3 weeks and Im soooo excited! She gave me such a sweet sweet gift Tuesday and I can't wait till I can thank HER for it and not all the girls just so I make sure I cover anyone it could be!

This is my beautiful Phi Class! I love these girls already and am very happy to get to share this with them.

I was reading one of my sister's blogs and she wrote something that was not only beautifully said, but definitely hit home for me. She said, "One thing is certain- we're all connected. And we can't see these connections. Only He can. Thank God only He can. I'd probably have an anxiety attack if I knew what I had comin. Two years ago I would have tried to change what ended up happening, but then I wouldn't think like I do, and I wouldn't laugh like I do, and I wouldn't thank like I do." (Compliments of Mechay Rush :) http://mechayrush.blogspot.com/) I've been thinking the past few days about how my actions and my decisions effect everyone around me..not just me. Reverse that..others decisions and actions can effect me as well, even if they don't even have me in mind while they are making said decision. A decision I made over a year ago is directly effecting someone I care for very much now, a year later, and I hardley knew this person back then. Had I known how things were going to play out and where I would be today, I would have done everything completely different. But, what kind of person would I be now? I would I appreciate the people in my life as much? No. Would I be careful with how I react and handle things? No. Would I be as compassionate as I am? Doubt it. Would I be as thankful as I am for God's grace and mercy? Doubt that as well. There are so many aspects of myself that would be different now had I known everything before it happened and changed it before it could get to me. So, while its so important to make the right decisions and take in account everyone it could effect instead of just thinking about yourself, it's also important to remember that God is in control and while we make our own decisions with our own free will, He will use those decisions to get us to where we need to be. I may have had to go through some rough times to get to where I am now, and where I am now is better than I could have dreamed life would be a year ago.

So now...pictures I feel need to be shared :)

she's just so cute this speaks for itself..

fun times in Jackson Mississippi :)
fun times at the St. Louis Arch :)

A new year...Spurgeon style.

I found this old book in a bag in my grandmothers room. She reads like a crazy person and I go through her books when she's finished to see if there are any I want to read before she gives them away. I found a treasure in that bag Christmas Eve. It was a Charles Spurgeon devotion book. It looks old and smells old and is just full of things I cant wait to learn! Anyways, it's a year long book and starts on January 1st, but I was too excited so I went ahead and read the first days devotion. And boy am I glad I did. It gave me something to think about headed into this new year. Spurgeon starts off by saying,
"Isreal's weary wanderings were now at an end, and the rest that had been promised was at hand. There would be no more roving tents, poisonous snakes, fierce Amalekites, nor any howling windswept wilderness. They had come to "the land flowing with milk and honey" (Ex. 3:8) and were able to eat of the grain aleady growing there."
New years can be scary. They are full of unknowns and sometimes you're still holding on to things from the past year. Maybe your 2010 was less than desirable. Maybe you went through a lot. Cried lots of tears. Lost lots of sleep. Maybe you are tired and weary of wandering around in the wilderness. Things like that make it scary to start a new year. How are we to know that this year won't be just as bad? Worse even. Well, unfortunately, we dont know. We have no idea what the future hold, but we DO know the one holding our future.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
--Jeremiah 29:11-13
That verse just fills up my heart. I dont know what's gonna happen to me this year. My 2010 was not a good year and I pray my 2011 is nothing like 2010, but it might be. I have no way of knowing, but I do know what God has promised me. He has promised me hope. He has promised me a future. He has promised that when I call on Him he will be there. He has promised me that if I seek Him with all my heart, I WILL find Him. I can't explain to you what that does to my heart. It overflows it with gratitude and love to a Savior who is good to me far beyond what I deserve. It gives me confidence going into this new year. I shouldn't be afraid. Being afraid to embark on this new adventure that is 2011, is almost insulting to my Creator who is in control of all things. It's almost as if I don't trust Him to fulfill His promises. So, I will go into this new year full of trust and reliance on my God to guide my steps and help me through whatever this year brings. I will not be afraid of what it brings, but I will be excited to find out where God takes me. What He teaches me and how He uses me for His Kingdom's cause.

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sins
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on out knees

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my hearts and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from nothing to eternity

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

--Hillsong

Unfailing Love

Psalm 13:5
But I trust in Your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

Psalm 31:16
Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love.

Psalm 32:10
Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lords unfailing love surrounds the man that trusts Him.

Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the Lord are upon those who fear Him, on those who hope in His unfailing love.

Psalm 33:22
May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is Your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadows of Your wings.


God is a God of love. A God who loves us no matter how badly we fall. His love is the love that never fails us. It never lets us down. He never ceases to love us. Our God is a God who forgives no matter how hard we push Him away. No matter how fast we run from Him. No matter how far we stray from Him, He is always there when we turn around. He is there with open arms waiting to wrap them around us and heal us. His love is the love that fills us up. It never leaves us brokenhearted or empty. It's unconditional. It's not a here today gone tomorrow type of love. It is ALWAYS there. Forever. No matter what. When I think about how great His love is, it fills me up. It makes my heart feel so full it could explode. It gives me unexplainable joy to know that He loves me irregardless of any flaw or any mistake. No one can love you like God does. Fall in love with the Savior. Receive unspeakable joy. How GREAT is our God :)

Perfectly Faithful

Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done wonderful things. Things planned long ago.
--Isaiah 25:1

Perfect faithfulness. No matter what's going on, no matter how crazy life seems, God is perfectly faithful. He will never let you down. He is always there and always in control.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be affraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
--Deureronomy 31:6

We never have to be afraid. We never have to worry because He is PERFECTLY FAITHFUL. He never leaves us alone.

A little note to those who, life me, worry way too much about everything.